Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Randomize
