all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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