made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
