You're completely useless in the revolution.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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