uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
