Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
