I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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