i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
