i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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