Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
