nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
