I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dignity is for republicans.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
