I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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