I've blown a few things in my day
this just has baby written all over it
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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