oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
soo... how was my night?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
