I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
