I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
