i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
