i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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