if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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