when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
