I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
