you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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