I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
