Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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