Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
