sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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