I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
