why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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