My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
