Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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