If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
