I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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