I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
