Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Bring me that man meat
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
