under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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