I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
