im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
