i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
