guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
