I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
