i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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