I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
