I could make wine with my vomit
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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