did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
