just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
