My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
