what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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