i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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