i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
